House Rules for Temporary Test Subjects

The following protocols are mandatory for all guests. Compliance is monitored continuously. Continued access to snacks, shelter, and emotional approval is contingent on adherence.

Quick-reference protocol chart

Section 1 — Enrichment protocols

1. 01

   Running is an outside activity. The interior of this facility was not designed for uncontrolled bipedal velocity. Please conduct all sprinting, charging, stampeding, and “I’m not running, I’m speed-walking” experiments outdoors.

2. 02

   You are a guest in this space. This means you are invited, not installed. Please treat the house with respect, as though your continued access to snacks, shelter, and emotional approval depends on it. Because it does.

3. 03

   Not everything belongs to Grandma and Grandpa. Some objects belong to other residents. Some objects are fragile. Some objects are none of your business. Ask before touching. This is how we avoid “accidents,” “misunderstandings,” and “why is this sticky?”

4. 04
   Restricted ZoneThe basement, garage, and office are lava. Not pretend lava. Not “maybe I can jump over it” lava. Not “I’m just going to grab one thing” lava. These zones are restricted, hazardous, and absolutely not part of your authorized testing environment. Entering them without approval demonstrates a bold commitment to poor decision-making.
5. 05

   Some residents are employed. They perform tasks in exchange for currency and continued survival. Please keep noise levels reasonable. Quiet hours are between 8:00 PM and 9:00 AM. Screaming, stomping, door-slamming, and indoor thunder simulations should be scheduled for never.

6. 06

   You may think you know better than the house rules. You do not. You cannot bend them. You cannot reinterpret them. You cannot form a small committee and vote against them. The rules have already cleared beta testing and been placed into production.

7. 07

   Food and drinks belong in approved areas. Crumbs are not “decor.” Spills are not “learning opportunities.” Please consume items in places where cleanup does not become a family-wide emergency response drill.

8. 08

   Doors are not percussion instruments. Please close them gently. If the entire house knows you have entered or exited a room, you have failed the door test.

9. 09

   Furniture is not playground equipment. Couches are for sitting. Beds are for sleeping. Tables are not launch platforms. Chairs are not vehicles. This may be disappointing, but so is repairing furniture.

10. 10

    Ask before using electronics, remotes, chargers, tools, or anything with buttons. Especially buttons. History has shown that unsupervised button pressing leads to consequences.

11. 11

    Clean up after yourself. If you created the mess, congratulations: you have also been selected to remove it.

12. 12

    Respect closed doors. A closed door is not a puzzle. It is not an invitation. It is not the beginning of a stealth mission. Knock once. If you are ignored, wait five minutes and try again. If you are still ignored, repeat the process until a testing supervisor has approved your next action. Do not improvise. Your improvisation privileges were never issued.

13. 13

    Use the video doorbell like a civilized test subject. Press the button once, then wait several minutes. Repeated presses will annoy the monitor and may reduce your chances of access. Continued button abuse will result in the system being disabled and you being left outside to reflect on the difference between “doorbell” and “panic button.”

14. 14

    Report problems immediately. If something breaks, spills, leaks, smokes, sparks, disappears, or makes a sound that suggests it has gained consciousness, tell an adult immediately.

15. 15

    Failure to follow the rules may result in privileges being reduced. This is not a punishment. It is simply the natural consequence of poor testing performance.